5k-illing me!

Remember when you were little...when someone pushed you on the swing until you went so far up into the sky felt as though you were soaring? Then, on the way back down, it felt like your stomach was going to shoot out through your face?

I still need a push sometimes. A thrill, a goal, a reward. So...here I sit, with sore calves, thighs, and cheeks, and it might just be the death of me.

Not really.

I have never been a "runner". I was good at running across the road to my cousin's house, or even down the road a bit to my Grandparent's house. In grade school,(before my thighs started touching), I probably was a fast little squirt, but honestly, I don't remember much from that time. Maybe its because I ran right into one of my cousins, at full speed...I may have knocked a screw loose.

Come to think of it...I never really *had* to run. I only had to run a few feet for the vault in Gymnastics. I was even in Track and Field my junior year at VHS. But I did the "Field" part. One of my only memories of those few weeks was when I pulled both my quad muscles trying to sprint/race one of my coaches to the concession stand.

I just don't run.

So why did I start training for a 5k? I have no idea. It sounded like a good idea at the time. But, its seems I am the most hideous runner out there. I stomp, breathe really heavy, and the "girls" bounce everywhere. (Is there some sort of tape or something that can hold them two down? My sport bras don't seem to work all that well.)

I even catch myself *attempting* to sing along to the odd array of songs I have on my MP3 player. One of the trainers at the gym was actually surprised I had music from 2009 (Michael Buble', Maroon 5, etc). He thinks I am stuck in the past. But really, I just don't get out much. And I like music from the 60's 70's and 80's!

The poor people at my gym probably cringe when they see me. They had every intention on freeing their mind, reducing stress, and getting in shape. But instead they are stuck next to me...a sweaty, stomping, panting, middle aged lady. One who can't keep her boobs from attacking each other and sings odd 80's songs (like, Putting on the Ritz, by Taco) while spilling water on herself.

They will have their revenge though...once I am out on the open run, they will pass me and say, eat my dust or something like that. I just hope they don't fart. 'Cause I would laugh so hard, I'd start to cackle, and you can't cackle to Cruel Summer...that would be just wrong.

Arm Pits.

**Some people may not find this very funny at all. Read at your own risk.

I haven't been to Thursday night Power Yoga. I miss it. So, why haven't I been going? Well. The real reason is because My Sweet and Loving Husband is home and my schedule is messed up. I have been to the gym, but I keep missing the class! The deeper question is...why am I missing Yoga Class on a subconscious level? After all...why not explore the depths of my psyche for all the world to read (or three people)?

I don't have many fears. Death...nah...Spiders...maybe. Farting in public...Ding Ding Ding! We have a winner! It must be the most humiliating thing I could do to myself. Remember when I farted in front of Bobby??? I almost died!

I have a fear of doing this. Generally, I find farting funny, but not when I do it in public. I even wish I had a more pleasant word to use other than fart...but I haven't found one that is right. That word itself makes me cringe and smile at the same time. The technical term is just not right...flatulence? Growing up a tomboy with a bunch of boy cousins... I have heard my fair share of phrases:

Barking Spiders
Mouse on a Harley
Floating an Air Biscuit
Thunder from Down Under
SBV/SBD
Stepping on the Duck
Chanel #2
Cut the Cheese

Oh, I could go on.

Guess what happened in Yoga Class a couple weeks ago? We were doing a great twist and a bind. My left hand was supposed to reach around and grab my right hand behind me. The class was going great. And then it happened.

It was loud. It was very embarrassing. My ARM PIT farted. OH MY. And it wasn't even a real fart! I tried to laugh it off...but I could only think of how many people were wondering why I had the nerve to fart in class! I wish I could have just yelled: IT WAS MY ARMPIT! But I was too stunned to even speak.

I remember my younger days...using my armpits as musical instruments. It was harmless fun. I never knew that I had prepared and primed my armpit to humiliate me 20 years later.

I have to go back to Power Yoga. I really enjoy that particular Yoga class. And it wasn't a real fart. I know. But what if someone remembers??? When will I go back? Do I wait a month, and hopefully everyone forgets? Because, in all reality, I don't think I will forget any time soon. EVER. Traitorous armpit. Do I suck it up and go back this week? Probably. But will I be able to concentrate? What if it happens again? What if a real one sneaks up on me and I have to move out of the state...

I'll let you know!

One of My Most Embarrassing Moments.

I thought I would embarrass myself all over again...for 3 people to see....lol. I hope this makes you smile a bit.

All through Elementary and Grade School, heck, even into High School, I had a crush on Bobby. That is his real name. (Keeping it real.) His dad worked/works (can't remember) with my dad, so it was kind of easy to have a crush on him. He also had a cute younger brother named Nicky. Every time my dad mentioned his dad's name, I would start daydreaming about the time in Elementary School (Kindergarten or 1st Grade) when it was one of the first few days of school and it was recess, and for some reason Bobby grabbed MY hand and walked with me out to the playground. As soon as we got outside and he saw his friends, he took off, but I tell you what, I really liked that kid. Even when he and his friends would go around "shifting" their privates from first gear to second gear to third gear...weird, but, they were boys, and boys do things like that.

So, it may have been the same year, but we were in the same reading class. Technically, I think we were in the same real class, but it's kinda foggy, since it was over 15 years ago. But I remember this particular moment as if it were yesterday.

We were all seated in a half circle, and I was almost across from Bobby. I believe I had just read out loud, or had just recently. I was a ball of nerves as it was and I was watching Bobby read out loud. And then, I farted. Loud.

I dont know why I did. It slipped! But I was mortified, cause EVERYONE heard it. But worse yet, Bobby heard it too. And he looked up from his book, but continued reading out loud. I blurted out...Excuse Me! But my reading teacher just glared at me! I was so embarrassed.

I avoided him at all costs after that. I don't even know if he knew I had a crush on him. Well, I did. And he and his brother eventually dropped the y's from their name and went by Bob and Nick.

I had another somewhat embarrassing moment with his younger brother a few years later. I was having a sleep over with my friend Misty from school, and one of my cousins. Guess who came over to visit my dad? Nicky was there, and I don't really remember if Bobby was there or not. Us 3 girls turned my parents little loveseat so that the back of it was facing the kitchen, where they were all talking. We kept peeking over the edge of the couch, trying to get a good view of Nicky without him seeing. But, of course, he saw us every time.

Big dorks!